Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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