im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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