this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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