U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
