apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
