you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
