I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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