if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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