I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
