I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
