Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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