First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
