I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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