Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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