Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
