I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize