My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
