i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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