you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize