You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
