please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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