Whatcha textin bout Willis?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
