What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
