my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize