I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
