After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
