He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
