i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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