be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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