He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
