This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
