How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
