I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
