This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
