today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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