Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
