someone threw a dead crab at me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
