I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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