We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize