i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
