I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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