My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
