i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
