Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
