I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
