Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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