I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
