Pants 0. Shit 1.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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