I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
