dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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