Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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