Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
