You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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