life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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