Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
