It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
