We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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