I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
