I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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