fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
