My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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