I'm drive I can fine osifer
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
