when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
