Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
